Seven Simple Secrets...
.... To making people feel good about
themselves
1. Tell them all the good you think of them.
2. Tell someone who you know will get
the word back to them. Extra points if
it's their boss.
3. Tell the world: praise them in public
4. Tell them the good things you've
heard others say about them.
5. Ask them for their "opinion" (don't
ask for "advice", advice implies work)
6. Thank them for their help, and show
them the impact they've had on you: how
you've changed because of what they've
said, done, or the example they set.
7. Share the glory with them when you
get kudos for anything in which they've
participated
Get more tips, tools, and insider's
secrets in the
Pocket Guide to Becoming a
Superstar In Your Field
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Dear Olivia,
May might well be the month of musings--
here are a few to give you food for thought!
Yours,
Olivia
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Let the words flow forth |
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Granted, the advent of email may have brought about a
certain lack-a-daisyness with regards to the traditional
etiquette of correspondence. Indeed, one might deplore
the carelessness with which punctuation is oft handled
(Though I've been guilty of that very crime myself, I
highly recommend the brilliant and hilarious "Eats,
shoots and leaves"- you might surprise yourself with the
pique, passion and peals of laughter you'll echo at the
plight of ill-used quotation marks.)
But email did carry a delightful chance on its wings:
that of translating the feeling of conversation to
written communication. Which is why I'm always surprised
when someone I've just met, who made a great first
impression, follows up with an email so stiff, so very
different from the tone of the conversation we've just
had! Why throw cold water on an excellent initial
feeling? Write as you would speak to the person if they
were sitting right across from you-with the same warmth
and ease, letting the words flow.
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Why does the business lunch refuse to die? |
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Why is it that
despite social networking sites, despite
videoconference, despite all the
possibilities of instant, virtual
communication, we still feel the need to
meet in person? And in particular, why is
it, when time is so precious, that
people-even very, very busy ones- still make
time to gather over a meal?
For me, one of the answers-as is so often
the case-lies in our basic instincts. We
humans have elements of both predator and
prey animals. As prey, we must be constantly
on guard for danger, ready to fight or
flight. Think of a giraffe stooping down to
the river to drink-how much more vulnerable
they are in this moment! Which is why they,
as many other prey animals, will always go
to the river in herds, with one designated
to stand guard.
When we eat, that's exactly what we do, too:
since part of our awareness is now focused
on the eating process, we have less of our
mind to focus on fight-or-flight, becoming
more vulnerable: we let our guards down.
Doing so in the presence of another human
being therefore automatically implies a
certain level of trust-we're lowering our
guards down together-and creates trust, too.
Couple that with the endorphin-releasing
effect of food, and you have a winning
recipe to increase warmth and comfort in a
newly-made acquaintanceship.
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Get the goodies:
quick tips, articles, and more... |
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When you
have to deliver bad news |
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When you have to deliver bad news to someone, it's
not what you say or what even what you do, but how you
say it. The worse the news, the more important for them
to feel that you truly understand them, you are there
with them. They need to feel that you're
feeling-with-them, i.e. to empathize and sympathize with
what they are feeling. This is what Bill Clinton was
aiming for when he said his classic "I feel your pain,"
meaning "we are together in this dark, dark night".
Unlike many politicians, unfortunately, you can't
just fake it-false empathy will most often be felt
instinctively. You surely instinctively know, and can
feel, the difference between a real smile, which shows
genuine pleasure, and a fake one. You know one when you
see one, but what is it that's tipping you off?
According to Paul Ekman, the leading expert on facial
expression, there is a clear, visible difference between
a "social" smile and a "true" smile (also called a
Duquesne smile): in the former, the smile does not quite
reach the eyes, or at least not in the same way. In a
true smile, the inner corners of your eyebrows soften,
and fall down. The reverse will be true for authentic
sadness-true empathy-in which the inner corners of the
eyebrows draw up, together.
Indeed, regardless of how well gifted actors and
natural-born liars are able to control their facial
expressions, they can only control so much: even when we
control the main emotion showing on our face, the real
emotion we're feeling will often show up, albeit for a
split second. These split-second "mini-expressions" are
what other people pick up without even realizing it.
It's usually not enough for them to consciously realize
what they've seen, but on a subconscious level, they
know something's off.
Hence, the obvious conclusion: no matter how many
shortcuts you use, sincerity still matters. Once you
realize sincerity is essential, how do you get yourself
from here to there? The good news is that we have a
natural tendency for empathy. One of the easiest, and
most powerful ways to set this tendency in motion is to
simply identify with the person, that is, "put yourself
in the other person's shoes."
And when you do feel even the slightest bit of true
concern, show it! Show your empathy in your facial
expressions, your tone of voice, and then finally your
words. Show that you fully understand not just how
painful the news is, but all the unpleasant consequences
it'll bring.
If you share a true moment of empathy, it can end up
forming between you an even stronger bond than before
the bad news you had to give.
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